I had two conversations this week when I specifically said out loud, “I am gonna HAVE to blog about this.” Do I remember either topic or what was said/should be blogged about that you would all find so hysterical? Nay. So, I was majorly procrastinating on writing a blog post, so I took an ADHD test online.
I answered all the questions honestly and I thought the results were going to be like “yeah, you have ADHD, it’s really no big deal, lots of people actually have it in some form or another, go to the doctor to get a refill on your drugs and you’ll be fine.”
They said “Serious ADHD Likely!”
And they gave me an HTML code so that I can put a button on my website announcing to the world that my test results came back and HEY GUYS MY MIND’S A FREAKING CHAOS CONTROL CENTER!
Okay, first of all, did they have to throw the word “serious” in there? Like, “No, you don’t just have ADHD. You have SERIOUSADHD. That’s the terminal kind. We’re sorry. But doesn’t this fun font kind of make you feel at least a little better?”
And what’s with the exclamation point? Are they excited or yelling at me? Are they accusing me of having ADHD or congratulating me? “Serious ADHD Likely!” can really be interpreted in any number of ways:
1.) Celebratory: “Congratulations! Serious ADHD Likely!”
2.) Damning: “Serious ADHD Likely! Welcome to Hell, Motherf*cker!”
3.) Alarmist: “Serious ADHD Likely! Run away!!!”
4.) Joking: “Serious ADHD Likely! April fools! Just kidding!”
5.) Teenage GIrl: “OMG, like totally serious ADHD Likely!”
6.) Jeering: “OMG! LOL! Serious ADHD Likely??!?!”
7.) Mocking: “Neener, neener, neener! Serious ADHD Likely!”
8.) Incredulous: “Serious ADHD Likely! I can’t believe it!”
9.) Insane: “Serious ADHD Likely! I think popcorn tastes like banjo pie!! Badger Badger Mushrooooooooom, I think I see a snake!!!!!!!!!”
10.) Rueful: “Serious ADHD Likely ?! Oh no!”
11.) Black Sassy Woman: “For serious? ADHD?! Huh, LIKEly!”
12.) Angry: “Serious. ADHD. Likely. How dare you have Serious ADHD! Young lady, what would your mother think?”
13.) Gossip Girl: “Serious: Blake ADHD Likely.”
14.) Bereft: “Serious ADHD Likely! OH GOD NO! NO, NO, NO!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE??????”
15.) Amused: “Serious ADHD Likely! Huh.”
16.) Cautionary: “Warning! Serious ADHD Likely! Also, flammable.”
17.) Santa: “Serious ADHD Likely! And to all a good night!”
18.) Sarcastic: “Serious ADHD Likely! Cancel all your life plans, this is one serious disorder that you have. I mean it. You are pretty much doomed to a life of secrecy and lies, destined to be forever chained in your basement like the freak that you are.”
As you can see, the statement “Serious ADHD Likely!” is quite open for interpretation, and I for one am now confused (…especially about my terrible Gossip Girl pun). To make it worse, there is a picture of an orange blob that kind of looks like a paint-by-numbers picture of a baby head that is on fire. Or maybe the baby’s head is made out of fire. I don’t know what to make of it, but it can’t be a good sign. It makes me think that they probably meant the phrase to sound damning, like “Serious ADHD Likely! Welcome to Hell, Motherf*cker! Have you ever painted a picture of a baby that is one fire? If you haven’t don’t worry. There are little numbers here to tell you where to put which color of paint. You’ll catch on soon enough and you’ll have plenty of time to practice because it is what you are going to be doing for all of eternity. THAT’S RIGHT. Hell is an infinite series of somewhat disturbing paint-by-number projects. I bet you wish that you had lied a little on that ADHD test, huh?”
Annnnnnnd it’s time to put the morning coffee down now.
This isn’t a very good blog post. I hope you still like me when or if I start writing posts about ten different topics that have no real connection because of my serious ADHD even though you feel like they should somehow pleasantly connect for your entertainment, but no – they definitely don’t and don’t even try to connect them because there is no possible way to connect Jesus, Swiss cheese, miniature golf courses, unicorns, black holes, Bear Grylls and mutton.
The good news is that I am funnier when I’m medicated. At least I think so. But that might be because I take serious ADHD quizzes before the sun rises and am thus very easily entertained by myself. I’m not kidding. Give me a paper clip and a ball of yarn and I will either Macguyver you a better mousetrap or ignore the paper clip entirely and just bat the ball of string around like a cat. Either way, I will be able to entertain myself for at least 45 minutes or until something more entertaining comes along, whichever one comes first but I’m willing to bet it will be the second one because come on, who pays attention to anything for 45 minutes straight when the world is full of objects, some of which are moving and others of which are sparkly? Maybe Bear Grylls, but I’m sure even he has been distracted by a SuperBall from time to time. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I’m not God.
In fact, things probably won’t even change that much around here. Maybe they’ll even get better. Maybe I’ll… hold on for just a second…
Can I show you something?
I found it on the internet and thought, “You know where that belongs? At a miniature golf course. Every single miniature golf course ever has some sort of creepy clown somewhere. And if you don’t see a creepy clown at a miniature golf course? You are probably the creepy clown. Go to the doctor. Get that checked out. Or, just take an online quiz, I guess.
I think clowns should sue Stephen King for ruining their credibility. If Stephen King never wrote “It” clowns would still be the harbingers of fun and laughter. But not anymore. Since Stephen King wrote “It” clowns have become as scary as children. And children are only scary because Stephen King wrote “The Shining.” You know what? F*ck Stephen King. Because of Stephen King, every time I see a set of twin girls, I get all panicky and I start to taste vomit in the back of my throat, but no matter how scared I am I can’t help feeling bad for their mother because she has to live in a constant state of fear and apprehension because not only are they twins but chances are that someday they are going to want a clown to come to their birthday party and then the universe will implode because that is way too many creepy things all in one place at one time and that is how black holes are created. They didn’t teach you that in science class, but it’s true. And you know what else they didn’t teach you in science class? When your dog dies of rabies, that’s Stephen King’s fault because I’m pretty sure he created rabies too. And Syphilis. We should probably assassinate Stephen King preemptively before he makes better AIDS. Clown AIDS. Damn.
We need a counter-strike. I’m pretty sure the only thing that can counter clown AIDS is unicorns, so we’ll need about 8,000 of those and then maybe some cheese because it is a known fact that rabid, AIDS-ridden clowns cannot resist cheese and we’ll need something to distract them while the unicorns are getting into formation. It’s got to be Swiss cheese though, because I’ll be damned if I ever feed a clown cheddar. That would be like shoving a dollar bill into a gum-ball machine. It wouldn’t work and you’d never get it back … which is a different blog post rant for a different time.
I bet you didn’t think I was serious when I said that I’d write about all of those things that I listed earlier. Well, you have underestimated me. You may be thinking, “but kjirs, you haven’t written about mutton or Jesus yet…” But don’t worry… I’ll get to it.
Do you know what I bet Jesus liked to eat?