Time Travel, Tonic Water, and Me in a Tutu

Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and tell the kid version of me, “Guess what? You grow up to be a Sith Lord!” just to mess with myself because then I’d spend the rest of my life wondering “When am I going to turn to the dark side? Is it now? Do I ever battle so and so? Why do I do it? How will I learn to shoot lightning out of my fingertips?? I CAN’T TAKE IT!!!” And the funny part would be that I would never actually turn into a Sith Lord and it was a trick all along!

… Where was I going with this?

Oh, yeah – I was going to talk about how I wish I could go back in time and warn myself about stuff, but then I got distracted thinking about how, if I really could go back and talk to myself in the past, the potential for practical jokes would pretty much be endless. I could, however, actually try to be helpful.

Some Useful Advice for Child Me (-XOXO, Adultish Me):

Eating too much pepper doesn’t undo eating too much salt because pepper is not the opposite of salt. It’s just pepper.

When you run in front of the video camera screaming and flailing your arms – you aren’t being cute – your blood steam is probably 50% sugar and you’re being obnoxious. Stop it.

Pushing your little brother into the hotel nightstand while accidentally cracking his head open is not an acceptable outlet for your frustration about whose side of the bed he was on.

Umbrellas only make Mary Poppins fly.  They don’t work for regular people. (Sidenote: Running really fast and flapping your arms doesn’t work either.)

Adults will expect you to learn how to spell your full name, but you can never expect them to learn how to pronounce it.

When someone tells you not to touch the metal part of the seatbelt that’s been baking in the Arizona sun because it will burn you instantly, you should just take their word for it.

Putting nail polish on your eyelashes does not make you look cool.

Everyone else in the world can ride a scooter – except for you. Sitting on the scooter and letting your cousin and brother push you down a big hill will not change that. It will just make you crash, bleed, go into shock, and never want to ride a scooter again.

Not every dog is as docile and loyal as your dog. If you pick up your cousin’s dog by its tail, it will bite you and you will bleed. You will also get a glow in the dark band-aid, but try to mask your excitement so your parents don’t worry about you hurting yourself on purpose in the future.

Even though tonic looks like water and has the word “WATER” in it’s name, it doesn’t taste like it.Similarly, your grandmother’s face cream is not frosting.  Nope, still not frosting.  ARE YOU LISTENING???? It’s still not vanilla frosting!  It will never be frosting!  No matter how many times you check, it will always be face cream and never frosting.

Adults will tell you that sharing is fair, and even though they have no idea what they are talking about, they will enforce the notion doggedly. Unsurprisingly, it never really seems to work out in your favor.

Don’t try to make pancakes in your bedroom.

And that’s about where I’d give up.  I would sit myself down and say “Listen here, you overly adventurous pre-pubescent string bean of a girl.  There’s this thing in the world called ‘Natural Selection’ and I’m not so sure you’re ‘survival material.'”

And then my past self and my future self would get in a fight and someone would get stabbed and the winner would be like “LOOK WHO’S NOT SURVIVAL MATERIAL NOW, SUCKA!!”

Except for no one really wins in that situation.

And that’s why I stay away from time travel.

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One thought on “Time Travel, Tonic Water, and Me in a Tutu

  1. How I see the Sith prank really panning out:
    Your young self, told by your future self that you’d turn to the dark side, would believe it.
    As a young child, with a simpler view of good and evil, you couldn’t understand how you could turn to pure evil. You always thought you were the good guy.
    But as you grew, you’d recognize things you did wrong, and would view this as the evil inside that would eventually consume you.
    After some rebellion in your adolescent years, trying so hard to prove you were actually good to everyone and to yourself, you’d eventually screw up pretty badly, and this would be the breaking point, and you’d just accept that you were indeed evil, and there was no good fighting it any longer.

    So, in the end, it would come true.

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