Steve Urkel’s Desperate, Flailing Attempt to Remain Relevant

I have this awesome friend named Morgan. She and I had pretty intense conversations during dinner yesterday, ranging from Kafka’s Metamorphosis to the anti-seductive powers of eye glasses. It was a wonderful time spent with a wonderful friend. Or at least, that’s what I thought.

I was happy in my ignorance until she caught me watching a Family Matters re-run on the bar’s tv instead of listening to whatever the heck she was talking about. Gazing absent-mindedly out across the street, Morg mindlessly remarked, “I see how it is… You love Steve Urkel more than me.” Peering over my Guinness, I gave the non-verbal shoulder shrug that signifies, “Yeah”, and continued drinking.

Two hours later:

Morg:  “On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love me?”

Me:  “Twenty million.”

Morg:  “On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love Steve Urkel?”

Me:  “Nine.”

Morg:  “Oh.”

Me:  “Yeah.  Especially not when you factor in how long I’ve known you versus how long I’ve known Steve Urkel. Jealous?”

Morg:  “Psh.”

Me:  [pause] “What if I was like ‘I want to love Steve Urkel’?”

Morg:  “I wouldn’t take you very seriously because you can’t even say it with a straight face.”

And then I looked Morg straight in the face and without even a whisper of a smile I said, “I want to love Steve Urkel.”

And then Morg asked me if I was thinking about dead kittens (because I usually think about dead kittens when I’m trying to keep a straight face), and I was all, “Yeah”, and Morg was like, “So you just said ‘I want to love Steve Urkel’ while you were thinking about dead kittens?”

And, yes.  Yes I did.

Anyway, I have found that matters of the heart are best solved with statistics.  If I truly hope to figure out whether I like Morg or Steve Urkel better, I’m going to have to crunch some numbers.

Figure 1:

After careful analysis, it looks like Morg wins 2.5 to 1.5. I couldn’t give either of a star or even half a star for the romance question… no one is winning there. But, these are still pretty low numbers. I think I need more statistics.

I also really have fun making charts.

Figure 2:

It still appears that Morg has a slight lead over Steve Urkel and the trend would indicate that my friendship with Morg will continue to stay high while my affection for Steve Urkel is mostly dependent on whether or not I’ve recently seen or been reminded of Family Matters.

But how do Morg and Steve Urkel fair when compared to all of the other things I love?

UPDATE: Spent almost an hour trying to prioritize and list all the things I love. Impossible. (It was, however, very uplifting). I then decided to just make a graph of all my beloved TV characters, and see where Steve Urkel would land. This also took way too much time, and any uplifted feelings I had about all the love in my life was lost on how much freaking time I spend watching TV. My final attempt was just to graph whatever favorite characters came to mind first.

Figure 3:

As you can tell, Steve Urkel didnt even make the cut, and it would appear as though the only TV shows I’ve ever fallen in love with are from shows I’ve watched in the past week.

Needless to say, it appears that Morg beats Steve Urkel by a landslide. I also need to seriously revalue my capacity for love for fictional television characters, and start paying better attention to the awesome people in my life like Morg. And probably paying better attention to whatever the heck she was even talking about last night too.

Lesson learned.

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