What ARE you???
I have spent the past 22 years being blissfully unaware. Just this morning, I questioned my assumptions about you for the first time. I googled you, Milk. That’s right. And do you want to know what Google told me you were? You are a “colloidal dispersion”/ “water with a bunch of un-dissolved crap in it.” Delicious. And that’s on top of the fact that you come from cow boobies.
I’m onto you, Milk. You can’t fool me into thinking that you are just another beverage like orange juice or soda. I am even beginning to question your validity as an addition to cereal. That’s just putting larger undissolved chunks in something that is already rife with undissolved chunks. That is weird and just shouldn’t be allowed to happen.
Until you can offer me a suitable explanation for your behavior, I am afraid that I am going to have to boycott you. I am sorry it has come to this, but what am I supposed to do, Milk? I feel like I’ve been lied to my whole life and that doesn’t feel very good. In fact, it makes my stomach churn. -Kir
Dear Cosmopolitan Magazine,
I have written a column about 100 ways to spice up your sex life. I think this piece would be a refreshing departure from your usual lineup.
I promise, you have never, ever, ever heard these ones before. These are completely new concepts. My article does not contain one single word that your readers will recognize from previous issues. I have most definitely not listed exactly the same things on every other list you have ever published except with a few bizarre twists that no guy actually wants done to him.
My revolutionary list entices the reader to “try massaging the back your partner’s knees with BenGay” or “tie your partner up with a rope made from completely renewable resources that end up costing $4 more than other ropes” or “try exploring each other’s erogenous zones while wearing scuba masks and singing along to Sting’s ‘Every Breath You Take.’”
You’re welcome. -Kir
Dear Subway Stairs,
I hope I never fall down you. Please don’t kill me if I do.
Alrighty then! -Kir
Do you come in any shape other than “secret agent” and “incognito celebrity”? I can’t help but feel like a pretentious jerk every time I put you on. Your functional properties are greatly outweighed by your ludicrously sleek appearance, which, when paired with my face, makes me look like I think I’m better than everyone else.
Do you know how stupid I feel when I walk inside and forget that you are on my face? Everyone looks at me and thinks, “Wow, that is completely unnecessary…”. Or sometimes they think, “HOLY CRAP, I BET THAT’S NICOLE KIDMAN!!!” Which I’ll admit is kind of cool, except for the part when it’s a little demoralizing to have people look so disappointed when they realize it’s just some normal (but still outrageously good-looking person) wearing ridiculously large sunglasses. This is why I think I want to run away whenever someone looks at me. I would actually be doing them a service by letting them think that they were actually in the same grocery store with Nicole Kidman, even though Nicole Kidman is probably off getting old in Australia with the kangaroos and her country star husband and not Tom Cruise.
Anyway, Sunglasses, you can clearly see that you cause nothing but confusion in my life and the lives of others. I know that telling you this is probably a futile effort because you are so stuck on yourself and unwilling to change, but there is a part of me that hopes there is a tiny kernel of goodness underneath all that shiny plastic and UV-protective tinting – that maybe you’ll hear my message and reconsider your role in the world. It’s not too late to change, Sunglasses. You don’t have to spend the rest of eternity as an indicator of douchiness. -Kir
Dear Cheese Grater,
Have you ever thought about self improvement? I mean, you have a successful career and everything, but I think everyone can agree that you haven’t reached your potential yet. Haven’t you ever wanted to be the absolute best you can be? No?
Okay then. Let’s work on this. -Kir
There are a number of issues I have been meaning to discuss with you. You are a fairly respectable surface; there’s no denying that. But I feel that there are some areas of your performance that could use improvement.
The first issue I would like to address is that of your attraction to wet surfaces. When I have been wading in the water and I decide that I am done wading and ready to put my shoes back on, I am caught in the midst of an irreconcilable conundrum: do I wade to the very edge of the water and stand on one foot while I try to dry off the other foot so that it is ready to be inserted into my shoe and stood upon so that I can repeat the process with my other foot? Or do I brazenly walk across you to the parking lot where I will do my best to scrape you off of my feet before inserting them into my shoes again? Neither option is really a good option, Sand. If you were less attracted to wet surfaces, this problem wouldn’t exist. Please think about working on this.
The next issue I would like to discuss with you is that of your inherent opposition to effective forward propulsion. In case my intelligence and vocabulary is too much for you to handle, I’m basically saying that it is very hard to run on you. I don’t have a huge problem with this, until that one night when I’m being chased by a rapist or a murderer. Then, it gets kind of dicey. Some might say, “Well, if you are being chased by a rapist or a murderer, just avoid sand… duh.” But what if I am in the desert? What then? Do I just lie down and allow myself to be ravaged and then chopped into tiny pieces and buried? This is why you need to work on this area of your performance, Sand. I can’t always avoid you when I am fleeing from rapists and murders.
Speaking of burying things, do you have any idea how hard it is to dig a hole in you? For every shovel-full of you I move, you fill in between ¾ and 5/4 of the hole I have just dug – which, if you need to have fractions explained to you – means that I am left with either a pathetically shallow hole or a mound – which is the complete opposite of a hole and not at all what I am trying to accomplish when I have set out to dig a hole.
With these small changes, you could be unstoppable, Sand. Everyone would want to be on you all of the time. You would be the most popular recreation-surface on earth – even above grass because grass makes people itchy and usually that is overlooked because grass doesn’t cling to wet surfaces (at least not when it is still growing in the ground), impede forward motion or prohibit hole-digging. But if you solved these problems, you would have a leg-up on grass for sure. I sincerely hope you consider my suggestions and I look forward to being on you once you have implemented my advice. -Kir
Dear Cranberry Juice,
Thanks for being awesome. No other juice could ever compare to you. Not even strawberry kiwi. Or pineapple orange.
Just, wow. Kudos. -Kir
You realize I am writing letters to inanimate objects, right? I mean, I just even wrote a letter to juice. Juice isn’t even an object. It’s… juice.
But you’re still reading, huh?
Just checking. -Kir
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? DO YOU HAVE A BREAD CRUMB IN YOU? I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T EAT WHILE TYPING. I AM SORRY I MADE A MISTAKE AND RUINED YOU, BUT IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE, I PROMISE THAT I WILL NEVER DRIP BURRITO GREASE ON YOU EVER AGAI – – WAIT, WHAT?