Memoirs of a Secret Dominatrix: What I’ve Discovered That the Internet Wants Me to Buy

So lately, the Internet has been giving me recommendations. In my experience, taking Internet suggestions is always a great idea because the Internet is such a good influence with great values and morals and doesn’t ever lead you to terrifying YouTube videos that you can never erase from your memory no matter how hard you try that you refused to watch even a second time when you googled it to put in your blog and turned the sound down because you’re still freaked out and hoping that anyone who clicks on this link who hasn’t already seen this video and freaks out like i did doesn’t hate me forever and ever. I’m pretty sure actually that the Internet doesn’t think innocence even exists anymore based on the pop ups and facebook advertisements that seem to make it through whatever barely-existent censors and filters Zuckerberg claims to have. With that in mind, let’s stroll through some of the suggestions the World Wide Web believes I am looking for, interested in, or need to buy multiples of… shall we?

eBay

I'm secretly Indiana Jones, I swear. Nothing else.

Oh eBay. I thought we were going to keep this our little secret! You know I can’t have the world know about this side of me … just kidding. But even if I was secretly a S&M stripper by night, I’d still feel a little slighted by this recommendation. A 3 buck whip? C’mon. Now you’re just calling me cheap. [insert joke about punishment that I’m too afraid to write in case my dad sees this post].

I actually got this whole outfit on eBay, now that you mention it.

Amazon

For all those loose ends in your life that need tying up.

Amazon, you really need to stop plying me with nonsensical house supplies that I would never buy from the Internet in a million years. I’m not sure why anyone even sells cable ties on the Internet, since all they do is frustrate small children when opening their Christmas day toys and aggravate even the most peaceful handyman or housewife or 22 year-old future opera diva. Unless this is some sort of bizarre connection to eBay and my S&M fetish lifestyle the Internet’s creating for me? (Question I don’t really want to know the answer to: Do people actually have cable tie fetishes? Actually, brain, stop thinking about that. Too many bizarre images.)

Next time, we're using the cable ties.

Facebook

Because everyone loves a leader.

Really, Internet? I can understand the whole astrology thing, but that title is just in the partying in the land of ridiculousness. I can understand the whole astrology thing, but what my President does in the bed can just stay in the bed. Especially if it involves cable ties.

Now this ... this is hot.

Itunes

"The two greatest things ever." - The entire male species

Last time I checked, I was a young female with love for the arts, a dependance on Ical, and a penchant for downloading strategic word games on her Iphone. Unless times have suddenly changed, I don’t think that the average woman of my category would normally desire “sexy images” with “crazy explosions” on her cellular device. Be it as it may, I do love a good action movie with some ridiculous explosions thrown in, but boobs? I don’t need pictures of them on my phone. I have two of my own I get to look at every day. Apple, you may have come a long way, but I think you’ve still got some kinks to work out with your genius recommendations.

Like I said, they've come a long way.

Conclusion: The Internet has apparently decided that I am a dominatrix with a penchant for political figures and explosions.

Moral of the Story: Be careful what information you put out there, people. If the Internet is making up a secret life for me without me even realizing it until now, just think of what eBay and Amazon and WhateverBananaRepublic.com website you shop at are coming up with for you right this very second.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: