The Love Boat, Sunday Buffets, and a Seinfeld-Run Apocalyptic World: 10 Reasons Why The Rapture This Weekend Maybe Won’t Be So Bad

Life has been busy. So, I am looking forward to my weekend ahead. The forecast for my next few days will consist of music and family with a slight chance of Rapture.

For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about and apparently live under a rock, on May 21, 2011, the departure of the so-called followers of Jesus are all disappearing (a la: the dolphins from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy). As predicted by Harold Camping, the number of rapture departees will be determined by their savior, and the rest of the human race will be left here on Earth scratching their heads in a terrorized amazement.

Since it doesn’t really matter what I think, I refuse to spill out another meaningless internet argument about my personal opinion of the supposed Second Coming of Christ on my blog. What really matters is that if the Rapture is for realzies and is broiling up a storm this weekend after all, I’m gonna be spending my last day in Six Flags with my boyfriend, living life the way it was intended to be lived: exhilaratingly fast and scream-worthy.

So while we mere mortals simply cannot accurately predict how many of these souls will leave our planet if the rapture comes this Saturday, I can’t help but think about how the number of those exiting our social circles would be noticeable. If this Biblical event happens, there will be vacant structures, vehicles, schools, churches, etc. And while those of this faith will now be forever gone, perhaps those left behind in the strip clubs, bars, and most likely all of Washington DC, may be able to reap some of the benefits of the their sudden absence.

1. Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

You know that one high-and-mighty frenemy of yours from high school who’s been raking in the big bucks doing the job of your dreams? Chances are he also managed to snivel his way into Jesus’ “Save Before the World Ends” little black book, thus shooting him up into the sky into heaven this Saturday, leaving that mahogany desked office with a view up for grabs! Everyone keeps complaining about creating jobs in our economy, right? Let’s get the Christians outta here — economic crises eliminated! It’ll be a miracle (literally)!

2. Vehicles for the needy.

With all the abandoned cars, trucks, and motorbikes, vehicles may be given away for free. Of course there may be title and license transfer fees, but that isn’t too expensive for most folks, especially now that you’ve got that 6 figure job you always envied. Choose your car wisely though – Many of them may be damaged and unsafe!

3. Waiting in line for the post office, bank, and ice cream truck will be a breeze!

Because of the rapture, everyone left behind will simply have more productive time on our hands and will most likely accomplish more of our life’s tasks. You can finally take that cooking class you always wanted to! Travel the world? Go for it! Shopping at the grocery store can now be a pleasant experience, and traffic jams will be a thing of the past. On the other hand, your boss probably won’t accept “traffic jam” or “packed subway” or “those annoying Christians kept stopping me with their evangelism pamphlets about the Rapture” as an excuse for being late.

4. No more televangelists!

 We will no longer be bothered by faith healers and other ministers using our airwaves and cable channels attempting to sell their latest books, indulgences, prayer cloths, and holy sleeping water. Joel Osteen will be replaced by The LoveBoat reruns. Sounds like heaven to me.

5. The homeless problem will be resolved!

With all the empty churches and houses, we will finally be able to house all citizens, employed and unemployed alike.

6. No more of those obnoxious Jesus fish symbols and Christian bumper stickers on minivans!

Waiting at the stoplight will now be less distracting and you will probably have more positive thoughts about the driver of the car in front of you too.

7. Christmas can be renamed to something more secular!

Maybe we can call it, “Festivus”. A Seinfeld-run apocalyptic world. Sounds like an insanely awesome series spin-off. And I’m totally thinking it’ll need the occasional Newman-gloating-from-Heaven shot. Oh yes.

8. Restaurants that host “Sunday buffets” will be less crowded!

Or, if they’re lucky, Sunday buffets will just cease to exist. Maybe I’m just being too idealistic there though. (Those of you who don’t understand this – try working as a waitress for at least a few brunch shifts. You’ll understand….)

9. State same-sex marriage bills will be passed at a much faster rate!

There would be less anti-gay lobbyists and politicians. Just think of it: no more relocating to gay friendly states only! Perhaps, even our federal government will redefine marriage as a union between two humans, no matter what gender each party is. Again, maybe too idealistic though.

10. No more obnoxious Christian rock or praise music and less country music!

We will no longer be annoyed by our co-worker’s radio which is constantly tuned in to a local young Christian radio station. Finally, someone can take “Jesus, Take the Wheel” and throw it into the depths of space forever.

Maybe the Martians will like country.

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One thought on “The Love Boat, Sunday Buffets, and a Seinfeld-Run Apocalyptic World: 10 Reasons Why The Rapture This Weekend Maybe Won’t Be So Bad

  1. I so wanted to find someone who believed they were going to be taken up in the rapture and get them to sign over all their possessions/money to me. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone willing to this.

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