semi-conscious

i love exhaling.

i love laying back with my eyes shut, taking a big breath, and then breathing it out until it’s all gone and there’s nothing left inside of you. your heart doesn’t beat … your blood stops in its veins … the entire world moves around you as you are still. taking a breath after experiencing such serene stillness almost feels guilty, like, “how dare you move on without throughly analyzing, seeing, feeling what life has to offer in that split second that 99% of the world doesn’t even consciously recognize. you are feeling something few people take the time to feel. enjoy it. really feel it.” makes me remember how much i want to know what it’s like to live moment to moment.
i want to know what it’s like not to have regrets – to live for the future – to be free in whatever you’re doing. i’d like to know how that feels.

i don’t want to breathe at all now. it’s not suicidal, its a connection – lord byron said “there’s music in all things, if men had ears: their earth is an echo of their spheres.” … or something like that, and it’s always intrigued me as to what the ‘spheres’ actually are. i’d like to think that they’re auras of everything tangible: self, being, spirit — matching one to another in the way that everything has a melody. Not like a recognizable note pattern, but more of the essence of music – legato lines, accents, colors, unspeakable characteristics. i love it so much.

you know, i don’t really know why i’m here half the time. i don’t really know why i gave up the comfort of home. i don’t know why i’m not back home curled up next to my dogs or finishing what would be my senior year at Biola or playing college volleyball – but even though i’m not fully founded, i’d like to think i’m living. trying to connect byron’s spheres… feeling the music. i’d like to think i’m doing what’s right, but who knows what that means anymore.

i enjoy shadows. they’re emotive. i wish everything had a visible shadow. a background of sorts that showed the unseen side of things – angles, hidden contexts. and sometimes shadows are so out of proportion to whatever the original item actually is; this seems so reminiscent of various things in life.

i’m leaning back against my medicine cabinet, gazing across my apartment and out through the windows with the biggest smile on my face. i love that i still get these “realization” moments – the times where my brain finally catches up with my heart and reminds me of where I am … what I’ve been through … that i am so lucky to be doing every day here. all the childhood hopes and dreams of living as a young, independent performer coming to grasps with my actual life: it never fails to steal my breath away for a few seconds every time. i mean, just the fact that God has allowed me to be here is breathtaking in itself. i don’t say this to seem proud or full of myself — it’s actually incredibly humbling, seeing that i cannot control my own destiny. there MUST be a greater force at work … because there is absolutely no way that i could’ve ever possibly fixed my life to come to this point all on my own. yes, life is a chaotic mess – but it’s a beautiful mess too :) and even if i wake up tomorrow to find that everything i know here in the city is gone and taken away from me – i would hope that I could genuinely say that i am still just as thankful and grateful to have experienced what i did. so many people would kill to be here pursuing their own dreams, and for whatever reason, they cannot. may I never, ever take this life for granted, these people for granted, this incredible world of music for granted.

i wonder if lord byron had an preference to exhalation.

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