Have you ever had so many things to do that your brain felt like it didn’t have enough space to keep everything all in place? It’s like I can physically feel things I need to do slipping through the cracks in my cerebral filing cabinets. The guy who’s juggling everything that must be kept on the front burner, at attention and pressing on my heart to complete keeps throwing a ball or two back behind him when I ‘m not paying attention. Then when I refocus, he’s only juggling two or three balls when I distinctly remember there being 20 billion balls in the air before. And now I’m knee-deep in dropped balls rolling around my feet, unable to grab ahold of everything I need the juggler to keep juggling.
I have a difficult time focusing, I’ve known that for a long time. That’s where my obsession with lists sprouted from: an attempt to be able to focus. But right now, I just feel like that Brad Pitt look-alike actor from “Memento” who has to physically scrawl the things he MUST remember onto his body because everything else will slip right into one ear and out the other. This is ADD.
This is also terribly inconvenient because
1: i have a truckload of French to do/study.
2: i have a French midterm after hours of working/studying.
3: i am living off of twenty five dollars this week due to NYC’s appetite for $.
4: i am having issues regarding school in the fall and work right now.
5: i have one of my dearest friends visiting me all this week, and i don’t want to be stressed/busy/unfocused.
when it rains, it pours.
i have given up in situations like this before. crash landed, gone down in flames, been there done that. no more. this is very clearly a test. on an extremely lesser scale, this reminds of job’s situation in the bible, and how he knew he needs to stick to his guns and persevere, doing what is right. the story of job makes him sound a little perfect, but no man is perfect – so his imperfection gives me hope. if job can be a messed up person who’s made mistakes and suddenly is faced with a barrage of trials that he makes it through, then there is hope.
i choose hope, and when i wake up, i choose joy. it has to be a daily, conscious choice — because if you let all the unfocused jugglers in your mind mess you up, you’re set for a downward spiral into becoming someone you don’t want to be.
living in new york is not easy for me. but i will do everything i can and face anything i must in order to stay in the will of god. and this is no exception.