today is one of those days where i just feel like a terrible human being. one of those days where i can only see all the bad things i’ve done, the poor ways i’ve treated my family or friends or even strangers on the street. one of those days where i wonder if my medication is working ;)
even my bunnies keep staring at me without blinking.
i feel judged by two 5-week-old rabbits.
so, i turn up the positive music, read some scripture, and do something to feel productive. probably text a few people or call someone to feel connected. but that paranoia still lingers.
except i don’t really think it’s paranoia. i think it’s just me being real with myself: i am essentially a bad person, and i ultimately have a selfish heart, regardless of my passion for people or zealous love for life or pursuit of God. Today is just one of those days where, for some reason, everything is stripped away and I look into the mirror and see the depravity of myself/mankind. I’m not depressed by any means, just more anxious than anything.
Writing helps. Music helps. People help.
I never want to have to rely on something unstable for stability. Like a career, for instance. Or even a person. I want a foundation on solid ground, not shifting sand. And really, i think these days are just me laying down more concrete beneath me; discovering myself and learning from it. It’s a good thing; there is always a good side of everything. But I still can’t help but gasp a little bit when I walk into my room and my rabbits are staring me down.
Sidebar: I’ve always wondered if the buddhist reincarnation thing was true, then if animals could think like humans but were restricted like animals. it makes my interactions with pets much more intriguing.