i’m in favor of a nationwide education reform

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes, and can often be seen scaling massive walls and crushing through ice. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend VIP passes. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.

I play bluegrass cello, I am the subject of numerous documentaries, and my deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo people from all nations with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I breed prizewinning clams, and I bat 400. I am an expert in stucco, a virtuoso in tribal medleys, and an outlaw in Peru.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis on multiple occasions.

But, I have not yet graduated college.

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