10 ways to entertain yourself when you’re on bedrest and the window is mysteriously locked so there’s no chance of escape

1. Sleep. You’d be surprised at how naturally it comes once you allow it to. I’ve found that focusing on relaxing my tongue completely usually works better than sleeping pills.

2. Download every free game on your Iphone and test it out. It helps if you narrate your thoughts/actions/random observances out loud, or pretend that you’re an officially liscensed Iphone game tester and give the final thumbs up or down. I like to imagine that all these geeky computer gamers are waiting with high anticipation outside my door in my zen-aligned modern office building’s lobby, awaiting my approval with high hopes. I’m usually pretty nice though, so I don’t think I’d be a very good real-life game critic at all really.

3. Read things you’d always wanted to read, but never made the time to ever do it. Like, The Odyssey. Or that romantic novella series your aunt gave you that is practically dripping with cheese, but seemingly entertains you and sucks you into their twisted lovestories, page after page. Currently, I’m devouring Orson Wells – but that’s just me.

4. Listen to an opera. Close your eyes, and pretend that you are completely fluent in the language they are singing in. Watch the opera in your mind. Create a story based on your interpretation of the text and music, and see how close you come to the actual thing. So far, I’ve had some pretty crazy awesome opera schematics. La Boheme will never be the same for me.

5. Go through your contact list and text anyone who you think would be bored enough or addicted to texting enough to text back. Friends who’ve received texts from me in the last 48 hours: … my secret is out.

6. Look for hidden pictures in your ceiling popcorn wall, like you do with clouds. For instance, I never realized that there was an ill-fated platypus war against the evil, cape-wearing grasshopper army merely a few feet above where I slept every night. This could explain a lot.

7. Youtube. Enough said.

8. Pray/meditate. This should be in the number one position actually, as I’ve found this to be the most productive usage of my time in bed. I feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself from simply doing nothing but listen to my thoughts for more than 10 seconds. It’s amazing, try it sometime.

9. Call your relatives. You know, the ones who email you the blurry pictures of the deer they keep finding in their backyard or send all those email forwards you never really read but skim over enough to feel like a decent person. Talking with my grandparents has become a very dear pastime of mine as of late, and I can honestly say that I cherish the moments I spend with them on the phone, as deer-infatuated as the conversations may be.

10. Attempt to come up with clever MLIA’s, TFLN’s, or FML’s that you think you could have a shot at getting published online. So far, I’ve succeeded once. Good luck. There’s a lot more people out there with time on their hands dreaming up these than we probably even know.

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